It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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