I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
