I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
