I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
