Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
