i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
