How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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