I cut my penus on the lid.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
