My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
