john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
