he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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