Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
