i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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