those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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