i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
