I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
