i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize