Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
