someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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