I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
