the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
