Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
