I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
