can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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