The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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