don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
