The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just found puke in my bra..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
