My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
