I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
