It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
