Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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