Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
