you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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