I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
