I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
