If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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