she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
cat food counts as protein by the way
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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