If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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