.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
