So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
