Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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