Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
