You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
