One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
