There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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