Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
