Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
