Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
