also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
