I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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