i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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