I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
