You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
