one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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