When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
