There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
