My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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