is your mom at the bar?
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
