just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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