I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
