So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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