Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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