just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize