i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
